Studies...and depression..

Dah lama gak x updage blog ni, bukan apa, bz with daily routine, nak diciter pun boring...it's like I'm repeating it over and over again...I'm currently pursuing my studies as a part time student, it has been about 3yrs and I have about 1yr to go...but since I dropped a few subjects previously I think I will extend till 2 more years...Actually I dont't really care if I grad late, lagipun I'm still young compared to my classmates...ramai yg dah ada anak dan berumur, tapi tak boleh nak blame dorang, kalo lmbt abih pun susah gak, sampai bila nak bekejar jek kan? most of them are teachers...tapi dorang ni nak abih cepat, kalo boley semua subject dorang nak amik dlm satu sem...Utk sem ni kami amik 5 subjects...berat gak tu, dah cam full time student plak...Nak drop x boley dah, sbb dah xde junior lagik, silap2 kena campur full time kalo nak amik subject2 tu...impossible! skrg ni kelas 4x a week...around 7.00pm-10.00pm sampai umah dah dlm kol 11.00pm, bsk pagi2 pi keje, kalo jadik cikgu tu maybe x la penat sgt, separuh ari keje dah bole blk umah...yg kita ni plak keje 830-530pm, itupun bkn abis camtu jek, as a secretary patutnya i have to wait for my boss till he goes back but now I've to rush to class before 6pm...luckily my boss understands...

Cuba teka I took what course? Kalo org tanya cam best jek...I amik Bachelor of Education(TESL)perrgh...musti terror English ni...emm I don't think so..why? because I failed my 'structure of english' a few times and I hate grammar..ehehe....actually I took this course coz I love licterature...best wooo sbb dulu masa kat sekolah amik sastera, tapi dulu Bahasa Melayu la...English masa kat secondary school tu ok gak coz I got distinction in SPM..tapi bila amik degree ni jadik makin bodoh plak...masa kat sekolah the subject that I hate most is Math...y? coz I'm very weak in calculation...nak lulus pun susah dulu...For this structure suject it's like I'm learning 'Math of English' becabang2 pokok2 and formula yg kena hapal n faham...naik bengong jadiknyer...Bila baca novel/poem/short stories mmg best for pleasure, tapi once u need to analyze it and study it...dah jadik x best...

Kengkadang rasa cam nak giveup jek...surrender...tapi mengenangkan time, money,energy and effort that I've invested these few years rasa rugi plak...disebabkan I'm pregnant this semester, lagi la rasa tense, dgn assignment and d journey to class really makes me fatigue and depressed...dah la I drive keta manual,order keta auto dah bebulan2 x dpt2 gak...I can't avoid feeling depressed and tense, ramai yg kata cuba tenangkan diri n kesian kat baby coz she will feels what the mother feels...skrg ni I was told our Thursday class will change to Saturday...don't know whether it's a good news or the contrary...nasib la kelas drama...lecturer tu best, Madam Roslind, she's so enthusiastic and lively...byk gak pelakon2 berbakat dlm kelas tu...tapi sabtu tu menganggu waktu rehat aku :(

Lagi satu yang merunsingkan ialah, takut2 kena amik exam di hospital or during my confignment period...lagila tension, this is my 1st time...kalo bole nak rest n tenangkan hati...ni ada la plak another burden...takut2 kena postnatal depression lak....uwaaaaaaaaaa..........hubby pun nampak tense, mana x nyer dia pun study, mesti dia pun risau kalau2 aku deliver waktu dia exam, takkan dia x teman aku kot...emm byk sgt prediction and negative thoughts that I have right now...kengkadang bila aku pikirkan pasal baby ilangla tension aku ni, tgk brg2 dia n preparation dia buat aku lupa kejap pasal study...tapi kalau la aku xde kelas musti dpt rehat2 n siapkan bilik baby yg terbengkalai tu...hubby pun ckp camtu, kalo kita xde kelas kan best, balik umah dah boleh rehat tgk tv...ni dgn bdn penat kena blajo plak...emmm tapi ni la org kata pengorbanan, bila kenang2 nanti mesti rasa berbaloi penat lelah tu, tapi skrg ni mampukah aku dpt degree ni? harap2 hubby abis dulu...susah bila jadi non-exec ni, benefit kurang, nak bersalin kat private x bley,selalu gak bagi semangat kat hubby tapi dlm hati aku sendiri rasa amat tertekan...aku beserah jekla n usaha, tapi kalau itu jek yg aku termampu...aku redha...mungkin bukan rezeki aku kot...saat2 ni teringat blk kata2 mak aku n bos aku, boley ke u ni? mula2 I take it as a challenge, tapi skrg ni rasa x terdaya plak...time utk kwn2 and family pun kurang...emm harap2 dorang semua paham, walopun aku bz, tapi they're alwiz in my heart...dlm tak tau nak tulis ape, jadik panjang lebar plak, cam list of grievance lak, tapi kalo x share takut makin tension, for my hubby, thanks for understanding and for being my shoulder to cry on...for my baby, harap2 bila dia dah besor and baca blog ni, moga dia hargai susah payah mama dia sewaktu pregnantkan dia...I really want to have this baby despite all the obstacles that I must go through...semoga semua bejalan lancar...amin